so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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