The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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