my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
is that a dick in a sweater?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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