HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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