For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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