I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
