We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
