I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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