Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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