you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
