my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
