I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
