addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
