i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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