im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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