ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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