dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
