i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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