dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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