I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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