RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
