and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Who put my cat in the fridge?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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