Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
