farters have to be the big spoon...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
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