so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
