Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
