Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I am naked and annoyed.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
