I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
