I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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