My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
