Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
