I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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