No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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