Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Semen is not good for contacts.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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