Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
