new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
