I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Randomize
