also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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