This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
