Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
