Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
