I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize