You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
