I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
