Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
