a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
