I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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