two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
