dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
