i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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