I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
