Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
