There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
