i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
