2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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