goodnight i made you a song goodbye
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
