My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
