i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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