hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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