I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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