I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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