I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
