I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
