He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
They are going to name an STD after you.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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