Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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